A Message

Dear Andrea of two New Years' ago:

You'll find happiness, not in the way you think though.

You'll find fantastic friends, not them though.

You'll end up with a boy, he's very affectionate, not him though. It's not supposed to be him.

Hold out for better. You find it, I promise.

I love you, even if you don't yet.

Always the same answer

Times you ask me if I'm okay:

• When a gory/violent/sad scene comes on while we're watching a movie
• When I trip and you catch me
• When I'm too unresponsive on msn
• When I put my head down on my desk
• When I look a little sad on webcam
• When your hands are a couple milimetres away from where they want to go

Times I am okay:

• When you are with me

im anxious im sad please come back home soon i miss you

synchronized

I've been speechless a lot lately. No not speechless, wordless.

There are words to describe the feeling of your skin.

There are words to describe the way we act like we've known each other forever.

There are words to describe conversations that last as late as and also start at 5am.

There are words to describe laughing and kissing at the same time.

I'd describe what I need to find words for, to make looking for them easier, but that doesn't make sense.

Well, I'm not going to use the word love.

The closest I can come

would be Ours.

this is a blank title

I am nice.
She's so nice.
What a nice person.
Just nice.
Nice.

Nice means nothing.

Wrong

I am sitting here telling you not to hurt yourself, while the blood from my anxiety for you runs down my face.

What a wonderful world we live in.

Inverted

Why me?

I've asked that before, but never with so much disbelief.

Asking that question has never made me smile before.

The archives of this blog disgust me.

Time for a change.

bottled

Am I allowed to scream your name from hilltops yet?
Can I dance in circles down the street?

I know I learnt my lesson years ago.
But I think I learnt it a little too much.

A little switch that's never been properly flicked.
Easy to tell when it's finally gone.
Just look at the salty rivers on cheeks.
You know this is it.

Just Waiting

I wonder if you've noticed yet how well my head fits under your chin and on your chest.
I have.

Symmetry

This is the pit where I've poured all the dark thought, feeling and unfeeling.
With the good comes the bad, with the amazing comes the flip side.
The wide green eyes and the scowls and tears.
I will sit at home and sulk tonight.
Without you.

Because I am more flawed than anyone will ever know.

Lost is a big word and a small word at the same time.

I'm so confused.

I'm so lost.

My heart just broke for you.
I'll make everything better, I promise.
I'll love you when you don't feel like she does.
It's okay, buddy.

slip ups

If I was to momentarily go insane

I would say that I'm in love with the feeling of your breath on my hair.

almost gone

So confused and so lost.

The warmth of your hand over mine doesn't help much. Or of your arms around me.

Neither does the effortless way your smile brings out one of my own.

I crave attention. (Anyone's.)

And you're giving it to me.

It's only natural to feel this way.

Just remember, it's not real.

I want to float in this happy confusion forever.

So happy. Ecstatic, joyful, laughing, joking, smiling. I won't overlook the cause anymore. Thanks.

past beginnings

On the day of the two:

One from me and one from you

I shouldn't have done,

But you offered me one

And I took it.

That's when everything changed.

I know.

I wonder how much it hurt when it happened.

I wonder if it hurt you more than I'm hurting now.

I wonder if you knew how much I understand, you'd...

Back in my dark place

I'm over on this side, and I want to cross over, please.

I don't know about doing it myself, could you carry me? No.

I want to cross this. I WANT TO.

I WANT TO CROSS THIS LINE.

WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO TO CROSS THE DAMN LINE?

vulnerable nighttime escapades

This is my black hole where I poured all things you.

Why are you coming back in to my mind?

You should know you aren't welcome here.

He told me to make sure I didn't suffocate & I said okay just for you & then I left & he didn't notice that I was very happy he didn't want me to die even if it was sarcastically.

misfortune

Is this just like, official make Andrea's life suck night?

Or maybe, tell Andrea a bunch of things she already knew but didn't want to believe?

Put Andrea in the position to do everything she wanted to and then snatch away her motivation?

Yes, yes I belive it is.

impossibility

Just when I figure out how to do it right, do it properly.

The way where every crease of a smile and every look makes me scream with hapiness inside my head.

Now I need to stop.

I'm afraid I wont be able to do this again.

Down I go now.

After the high.

my love

I want to help you all so so much.

It's my life, trying to make yours easier.

You don't even always know it.

It doesn't even usually work.

You should all know that you can use me so easily.

So don't make me steamroller over my own feelings to save yours anymore.

I'll put them aside carfully for you,

Just don't crush them.

Ripped

All day, every thought, every song, every phrase.

I feel like I'm being left. Or I'm leaving.

Come back. I don't even know you yet. You haven't even given me a chance to show you myself.

I know you would never do what he did.

Let me show you my light, let you show me who I am.

A Dream

CITY IN CHAOS:
To dream of a city in ruins, denotes that you are neglecting your social relationships and allowing them to deteriorate.

GRAPPLING:
To dream that you are in a fight, indicates inner turmoil. Some aspect of yourself is in conflict with another aspect of yourself. Perhaps an unresolved or unacknowledged part is fighting for its right to be heard. It may also parallel a fight or struggle that you are going through in your waking life.

To dream that you are fighting to the death, indicates that you are unwilling to acknowledge a waking conflict or your own inner turmoil. You are unwilling and refusing to change your old attitudes and habits.

KILLING:
To dream that you kill someone, indicates that heavy stress may cause you to lose your temper and self-control. Consider the person you have killed and ask yourself if you feel any rage towards him or her in your waking life. Your dream may be expressing some hidden anger. Alternatively, you may be trying to kill or put an end to an aspect of yourself that is represented by the person killed. Identify the characteristics of this person and ask yourself how you do not want to be like him or her.

MAN WALKING DOWN BROKEN STAIRCASE:
To dream that you are walking down a flight of stairs, signifies that you will face many setback in your endeavors.

NIGHT:
To have a dream that takes place at night, represents some major setbacks and obstacles in achieving your goals. There are some issues in your life that you are facing, but are not too clear. You should put the issues aside so you can clear your head and come back to it later. Alternatively, night may be synonymous with death, rebirth, reflection, and new beginnings.

Unhappy Confessions

Face it Andrea, all the people you love would rather be with someone else right now. You're nobody's favorite. And the fact that you want that so badly makes it certain that you don't deserve to be anyone's favorite after all. Just let them all go.

And you know it.

I know I'm not deserving of your trust from you right now,
But if by chance you change your mind you know I will not let you down
'cause we were the special two, and we'll be again.

Miss ya.

Don't get worried when I change the topic from him. I know it's unlike me, okay? I'm usually all gushy and mushy. It's just a bit hard to do this again, no matter how little. I'm not some damaged individual, I mean I know it was mostly my own fault. I just want you to understand that there's something really painful about it right now, and as brave as he said I was, I'm not when it comes to this. I'm only just starting to let myself feel again. I don't want to push it and go through everything that I'm trying to forget all over again. I'm tentatively starting to come back to life inside, and I don;t think I'm up to much activity right now.

Just Afraid

It's not my fault, it's only logical that after you get up from a bad fall, you find it hard to throw yourself back down again, in the hopes that someone will catch you this time. It's hard to keep that same level of trust, when you had so little of it to start with. It's not my fault.

Afraid of Jumping

Sure I'd want to.

I'd LOVE to.

I know how now, I could use the new me.

But why would I?

It might be great and amazing.

But I'm finding it so hard to remember the good times,

When I barely see him,

When I've lost a friend, 

And when I can still feel the loss inside.

I'm newer and shiner and happier,

But I'm more scared than ever,

Of failing like I did before,

And like what's expected to happen.

Nothing Works

Sometimes when you've been trying forever and nothing is happening, you need to tear off your clothes and write on your chest in eyeliner.

Then even if you don't feel better, you at least feel like you've finally shoved some of the turmoil out of youre body and in to art.

She misses it, and she's discovering it, she doesn't know what it is, it makes her uncomfortable, she's feeling it, she takes advantage of it, she's been safe in it for a very long time, and I couldn't possibly, but I seem to know how they all feel, because we're all just females experiencing a form of attraction, right?

Dissapointment?

I sit down at the end of the day, and I say "So, you have some stuff to write about."

But then, how do I write it down so that it's true? What if I can feel things changing already?

I need a way to accurately express how I feel.

This isn't it.

Falling

Being shoved over and over again, and each time she hits the floor she falls harder. She doesn't mind though, because she hopes that eventually she wont have to get up again, and she can just lay there comfortably forever.

Jumping

What happened?

What I would give to go back and show them.

I've changed, and you know what, it's for the better.

I don't care if I'm too in the middle.

And in the least comfortable sense of the word.

I fluctuate.

I'm too innocent. Too daring. Too loud, too shy.

Too smart and too silly. Too square and too different.

Just because I'm everything at the wrong time,

Doesn't mean that it's the wrong time for me.

And if I'm travelling on a different channel,

Well then, I'm the lucky one. 

I don't know anyone who loves this world more than I do.

And I wish I knew when it was I started thinking.

I want to know when I woke up.

It cant've been that day in the mirror, 

But I'm thinking it's possible.

As horrible that change was,

In to the scared disoriented thing that I was.

And I wish I could back and un-grow up,

As childish as I seem right now.

I made a mistake that year, I think,

But I think that was the worse, and I didn't even notice.

I want to go back and say, "Ha!"

Look at me everyone.

I'm somewhere happy and successful and loved.

I just noticed a bit later than everyone else.

And a bit sooner than some.

You guys, wake up soon, you have it good.

This just means I'll appreciate it more than I ever have.

I want to show how much I love this world,

Because I never noticed before,

How beautiful it is to be alive.

And how beautiful it is to be living.

Leaning

There's a seesaw bolted to the ground at the park.

And it stands there forever, watching kids come and play on it and ride it,

Tilting up and down and swinging back and forth.

Always either one way or another, it's never balanced.

But everyone knows that tomorrow it'll still be there.

'Cause it's bolted to the ground.

And it'll be there to support you forever, no matter how much it's tilted.

dismissed broken promises

You don't know how tempting you are.

With you're smooth skin and happy eyes and flippy hair.

And your smile and jokes.

You don't understand at all how you're like a precious artifact in a museum.

I know I shouldn't touch you, I'm not allowed to get too close.

You don't know how hard I'm trying to keep my hands from trying to snatch you.

I remember the alarms going off and the bars coming down on my fingers last time.

I can't explain to you how I seem to forget about it when I see you.

I'm breaking all the promises I made to myself.

Again

Oh no.

It's the feeling of being terrified and ecstatic at the same time.

Scarier than being singled out in front of everyone, scarier than the centre of the circle.

Worst nightmares and wildest dreams.

Though it's mainly just suffering.

How can you force me to go through this?

To wrap my arms around him tight and not let go.

To put my hand on his bare chest and feel his heartbeat.

To smile when he smiles at me and laugh when he laughs.

It's just the same old situation, but just a lot more amazing and inconvenient at the same time.

And I don't want to stop.

*Shakes Self*

Come on, listen to this sad song.

Listen to this epic one?

Well fine then, go read your wall-to-wall with him.

God this is annoying, go read the old blog posts!

Remember that one time?

In the stair well?

The music concert!?

What the hell.

Have you just, forgotten how to FEEL?

Don't answer that, I know you don't care.

Things that make life special. To be continued.

Love. Hugs. People. Friends. Learning. Ice Cream. Books. Baths. Chocolate. Showers. Shampoo. Technology. Perfume. Cats. Dags. Animals. Shopping. Walking. Seeing. Ageing. Playing. Sports. Being good at things. Working on hard things. Teams. Spaghetti. Going somewhere. Rain. Leaves. Glass. Staying in. Movies. Advice. Nail polish. Upgrades. Hair. Communicating. Advancing. Taking pictures. Drawing pictures. Making pictures. Family. Clouds. Water. Trees. The Sun. Not knowing things. Snow. Seasons. Freedom. Choices. 

To be continued.

Smiles

Sometimes when I'm alone and not paying attention,

I find myself to be happy.

And I know it's probably the moods swinging,

But I'm thinking:

Maybe being happy isn't so bad after all,

And maybe I should be properly happy more often.

Scrabbling, hanging, gripping on to the edge of the cliff. Trying to get higher, but there's something in the way.

Been given something, but it's locked up tight and she knows that only what's inside will help her to the top.

Scraping and banging and trying to pry it open with bloody fingernails because whatever it is she knows that it's in there.

Shut up.

EEEW.

Self-pity is REVOLTING.

Injustice

Hoooow is calling a fat person fat, worse than calling a skinny person anorexic?

Fed Up

You can only go so long being under appreciated, ignored and used before you get pissed and want to abandon someone.

The saddest part however is when they don't notice every time you do.

Ungodly Hour – The Fray

Don't talk, don't say a thing 
Cause your eyes they tell me more than your words 
Don't go, don't leave me now 
Cause they say the best way out is through 

And I am short on words knowing what's occurred 
She begins to leave because of me 

Her bag is now much heavier 
I wish that I could carry her 
But this is our ungodly hour 

I know you're leaving now 
Cause I held on to my way tightly 
Stay still until you know 
Tomorrow finds the best way out is through 

And I am short on words knowing what's occurred 
She begins to leave because of me 

Her bag is now much heavier 
I wish that I could carry her 
But this is our ungodly hour 

Begging

Come back, please, promise me you wont go.

Don't leave me alone again.

I'll promise you not to fall in love, just like I promised myself.

Just stick around here for a while longer.

You don't even have to get to know me if you don't want to.

Just stand where I can see you.

Just shed a bit more light on me, before you leave with him.

Sometimes when I'm missing him,

I realise I'm missing him, too.

And I say, hey, that's weird.

Now I have two people to miss.

Ugly

Oh hey, maybe I look kind of beuatiful today.

I mean, my skin isn't as bad as usual, and my hairs being good.

Though none of that matters, because it's not like anyone else thinks so.

So I'm probably completely wrong.

Remembering Dreams

I don't remember much. But I remember the way we fit together so perfectly and cleanly, in the purest of wholesome ways, we just fit together like puzzle peices and lay like that in each others arms while I tried so hard not to fall asleep or wake up.

Self-love

Trying so hard to hate everyone else when all she wants is to avoid hating herself like she used to.

My dreams are telling me what I'd rather not know.

I had a dream that you told me about your day, but I didn't say anything so you started to cry and ran off. I didn't want you to know how much I needed you, but I cried anyways, and I tried to hide it when I heard you coming back. But you saw me, and I saw you, and we hugged and cried for the rest of the night.

And it broke my heart.

Lost and confused

At the end of the street

At a fork in the road.

I'm not so necessary anymore

I'm don't feel needed

We're no longer a bundle

No longer a package deal

Maybe that's our fault

Or maybe just mine

If I hadn't already done it

Maybe I wouldn't think it possible

I don't want to stay here

When everyone leaves

I don't want them to leave me behind

Like I tried to do

When I thought it was my only choice

What am I doing?

What am I writing?

What am I thinking?

This is crap.

I wish my answer was something other than "idk".

Dear Jamie,

Dear Jamie,

I've got a letter I would like to send. It's lacking strings of words with punctuation at the end. Should I trust this dialect, to convey the right effect?

Dear Jamie,

I've got some things I'd like to set in pen, I would have used a pencil but lead's just not permanent. Should I trust my printer's ink, to express the things I think? Every page I tried my best to think of something to contest, with inside jokes and all the folks could have much more to say.

Dear Jamie,

This envelope will represent my heart. I'll seal it, send it off and wish it luck with it's depart. This stamp will be every action that carries my affection across the air and land and sea. Should I trust the postage due, to deliver my heart to you? Every page I tried my best to think of something to contest, with inside jokes and other folks who have much more to say. Every page I tried my best to think of something to contest, with inside jokes and other folks who have much more to say. Give you all I can, flower and a hand, I hope this helps you see.

Signed,

Sincerely,

Me.

Closed

What happened to them?

Those letters I wrote to you

We both were inside

One hidden somewhere

Such an unglamourus place

Just like we both were

Probably taken

Far away from me, at last

Know that I'm happy

I could handle it

Now there's only some dark marks

And I'm better now

Full Circle

I am so ashamed of myself.

I have never been so embarassed by my own actions.

But I've never in my life,

Been as proud of Andrea as I am now.

I want to sit here and sulk and be miserable and complain about my life which is perfectly good and dull and crap. And I have nothing exciting anymore because he's all gone and he's come but it's not like that's exciting because I'm never going to anything about it again, and sure I'm better and whole now, but it's like I've healed too much and I'm not as sharp as before I'm too perfectly smooth with no texture left because it's all been covered up with scar tissue, and I'm underneath trying to get out, but I can't. I know now that it's not good to be too whole, that people shouldn't be spotless and clean, because we're not and I don't think we're supposed to be. And I want to be like that again this time, I really do I swear, but I don't know how no matter how hard I try, and I can't just sit here being horrible all the time because I'm not like this. I'm not like this. I'm not. I promise.

Selfish

Andrea is sick and tired of being sick and tired.

For you.

And her.

And him.

And everyone.

And Andrea needs to take a selfish day.

Very

Very badly.

Irony

Ahahahahahaaaa.

So hilarious.

Completely ironic.

Oh HOW the tables have turned.

I should have enjoyed that so much more than I did.

But I didn't.

Happy to be frank

So yes, basically I'm trying to tell you all in a roundabout sort of way that the reason for going out to jujitsu tonight, was not indeed to obtain my yellow belt, it was because I was worried that I was starting to forget what his face looked like exactly.

And yes, I'm telling you I also don't mind not getting my yellow belt, because it means that something of mine, the belt that was meant for me, is now firmly and securely tied around his waist. And in a metaphorical kind of way, that quite pleases me.

Got No Dutch Courage (Ha!)

You're my little tall hope.

But I can't bring myself to that level again.

I don't want to feel helpless again, I don't ever want to trust anyone else with my sanity.

I've been so bruised and broken before, if I gave you my heart now, I'm afraid you'd break it.

I don't know anything about you, except that you're my hope.

But I can't begin to hope that you wont hurt me, no matter how much I want to.

I want you. But that's all.

For now.

♪

The best songs are the ones that tell me how I feel, without describing it perfectly in the lyrics, so that I can twist them so they make that last little bit of sense, all on my own.

More Jealousy

Why her?

Why does she get to laugh and play,

And why does she get to touch his arms?

Why does she get to be the one stared at?

And why does she get to be the one who doesn't even want it?

Who doesn't even need it?

I know I don't deserve it.

But why her?

Songs

I wish I could write songs. But not necessarily songs that people sing. Just songs that can be explored by people. Like, song I could show to someone, and have them discover every tiny little thing about that song, and the feel of what it was. I can take photo songs, or draw picture songs. I can even write the occasional decent story song. But my songs aren't very good at showing, because I wont let them. I make my songs secret songs, that don't show people everything, because I don't want them to explore my songs, because they're mine, and what if they don't like what they encounter? I know my songs could show people myself. But I don't think I'm brave enough for that yet. Maybe it's that myself doesn't want to be confined to a song. Maybe I could find a way to show people myself through me, but that's hardly likely.

Signal Fire

The perfect words never crossed my mind

'Cause there was nothing in there but you
I felt every ounce of me, screaming out
But the sound was trapped deep in me

All I wanted just sped right past me
But I was rooted fast to the earth
I could be stuck here for a thousand years
Without your arms to drag me out

There you are, standing right in front of me
There you are, standing right in front of me
All this fear falls away, you leave me naked
Hold me close, 'cause I need you to guide me to safety

No, I don't wanna wait forever 
No, I don't wanna wait forever 

In the confusion and the aftermath
You are my signal fire
The only resolution and the only joy
Is the faint spark of forgiveness in your eyes

There you are, standing right in front of me
There you are, standing right in front of me
All this fear falls away, you leave me naked
Hold me close, cause I need you to guide me to safety

There you are, standing right in front of me
There you are, standing right in front of me
All this fear falls away, you leave me naked
Hold me close, cause I need you to guide me to safety

No, I don't wanna wait forever
No, I don't wanna wait forever
No, I don't wanna wait forever

-Snow Patrol

Who you are

If I'm not pretty,

then do I only have my mind?

And why is it my mind doesn't speak,

And my appearance usually lies?

Dr.

Lying back. Drooling. Bloody tools. Bright lights. Pain.

A face. Not his face.

I don't know why I think of your face.

Maybe because of you.

Maybe because of what you represent.

But I know that the pain wasn't so bad, so long as you held my hand.

Secrets

Just because I don't sing well, doesn't mean I wouldn't cry if I could never sing again.

The Voice of Reason

Need to put on more foundation. Maybe some more powder.

You'll just sweat it off.

Could I get away with subtle lip stain?

Don't be so girly.

I need more mascara.

It'll get in your eye like last time.

My hair is frizzy, I need to make it look nice.

Just keep it out of your face.

Which cami do I wear under my gi?

One that hopefully wont show your bra to the class again.

Well, here goes. I'm so nervous.

Not about what you should be.

What if he's not there?

Then you wont be distracted trying to impress him all night. You should know this.

Truth

"I'm in love with all of them," she said, "that way when someone finally loves me back, it'll be sure to be someone I like."

Fire

Scrape. Scrape, Scrape.

Roughly scraping a match, tring to get a spark, trying to light a candle to drive away the dark.

Scraping.

Getting a bit desperate, starting to panic because the darkness is closing in, we're running out of time, and we can't even see the match that we're trying to light anymore.

We can only feel it, cold in our hands.

Scrape. Scrape again.

Maybe we're not pushing hard enough. We're not scraping fast enough.

We've always been afraid of a big flame, that's probably the case.

But the darkness is closing in, and we'd rather be burned than be in the dark.

So we scrape a bit more, and it still doesn't work.

Frustrated, we hit the box with the match.

There's a spark, a glow, a light, a flame.

The match feels warm on our fingers.

And we're not in the dark anymore. We have our little fire.

And we're using it to look at someone else's face this time.

At Night

I can’t imagine how having a boyfriend could possibly compete to the dreams I’ve had about them. I don’t really have very high expectations, that way I can’t possibly be disappointed again. I can always dream.

Hard Candy

Hiding behind her strength, only a few know, because after the sharp spike downwards, or outwards, you pass through the shell, the spikes, the smooth coating. And outside's where she smiles at him, and them too, and walks on. And outside's where she can throw snow at him, and she can still laugh and play and she can still look him in the eyes. And outside she's "totally over it". The spikes with the smooth coating, cool, composed, she's even popular with the people on those layers. She's outgoing for the first time, and she likes it. But at the same time when she's throwing snow and chasing him inside she remembers it all when it meant something different, and she gets that echo-ey feeling she hates, because the old songs are still echoing away in the empty place they left behind, and each echo beats down on the inner layer, wearing down the gap between inside and outside.  And she's afraid somethings going to crack her open again, because the layers are much thinner now, even if they're stronger, and everyone will be shocked at the soft gooey center that's going to come oozing out most unpleasantly.